So here I am at work again. I have in front of me a partially completed manual that i have been charged with creating titled "Fiber Optic Termination Instructions". I am supposed to make this manual for my work but i don't exactly know why, its not going to end up inside of any product, and it is not anything that any of our customers actually asked for or even mentioned that "it would be nice to have". As I know nothing about terminating fiber optic cables I must find a resource within the company to show me how it is done so that I might write this un-asked-for manual.
So I find Rick in the fiber department and ask if he could help me. His reply is predictable "What's this manual for? we don't have a fiber optic cable termination kit so whats the purpose?". "I don't know" I reply, but I proceed to explain that its something our Regional (insert ridiculous made up title here) manager asked for. So I tell Rick that I will ask him again and copy him in on the Email so that he can know why we are doing this.
The reply from the regional (dipwad) is circular, basically we need it because we need it. Forget the fact that we don't sell to consumers, and all our customers are already trained AND CERTIFIED! to do this exact thing! Forget the fact that this will TAKE A WEEK OF MY VALUABLE FUCKING TIME! no. we must have this. I must learn how to terminate fiber optic cable and write a manual teaching others how to do it even though they all already know how to do it way better than me.
So then I started thinking. Why is this angering me so much. Is it because my career goal is not to write manuals on fiber termination (or anything else for that matter). Is it because whenever I start to do the thing that I really want to do I get sidetracked into doing something else retarded? is it because I could really give a flying fuck how much fiber optic cable this company sells? or is it because I have a desire to code?
Its the code. Why you ask? Well essentially it's because a programmer is an artist, and like a true artist I do not care about money so much as I care about beauty. The salesmen in life (aka most people) only care about making money.
Take my work for example, we sell cables. Who in their right mind would say as a kid "i want to grow up to be a cable salesman" Sure you might say i want to be on TV because TV is liked by everyone, but no one ever thinks of the cable connecting it, who would? Yet every day I see people getting exited about selling cable to other people. why is this? the only explanation is money.
Code on the other hand, (which can be used to make a lot of money mind you) is beautiful. It's logical, a well written piece of code is something you show your friends (if they are programmers) and marvel at.
When cavemen looked up at the stars millions of years ago they noticed something. Patterns. Why did they notice these patterns? simple, because they are patterns. Patterns are the evidence that universal truths exist. Truth, is universal, omniscient, omnipotent. Truth is god.
When the cavemen settled down and made up some rules to explain the patterns they saw in the sky, they started noticing other patterns. more subtle ones such as: Every round object rolls better than every square object; A lever can be used to lift more weight than you could normally; If you have 5 good hunters in your tribe and every good hunter kills 4 buffalo; you will have 20 buffalo to last you through the cold months. 5 X 4 = 20. math was born.
Unfortunately, as man progressed and solved all the basic equations that were obvious to him, he was left with fewer and fewer easy problems to solve. Until one day, it came down to one of the most complicated equations of all time. how do we calculate a perfect formula for selling more fiber optic cable to more people? wow, this was tough. not only could we not calculate the formula but we didn't even know what all the factors were. we couldn't even come up with all the variables involved in this formula.
So what did we do? we gave up. Gave up on all the math, gave up on the logic which is in fact what had gotten us to this point. Instead we try random actions. lets see if chaos might work? We can't come up with the formula, so we presume that there is in fact no formula. We spite logic! we become salesmen, and work on emotion alone. whim. grunt and point. "you buy cable now!"
This is why I code. A piece of code is a small encapsulated block of pure logic. Pure beauty. If something is not working in your code, you can guaranDAMtee it is because of something YOU did. It is the existentialist utopia.
So how is it then that in a world that man has be refining for thousands (millions) of years that we are left with any simple equations to solve? why is it that these simple equations have not already been solved? Why didn't Plato or Socrates figure out how to normalize my database, or how to configure my xmlrpc protocol? duh.
Because we aren't living in the same world. We in fact are creating a new one. one where we understand everything. one where all truths are known. one where we are gods!
this is why i code.
Eggs Benedict Recipe
(Only 3 WW points per muffin!)
Ingredients:
Thomas's 100 calorie English Muffins
Medium Eggs (Not Large, Extra Large, Jumbo or Super-Size)
Sliced Ham (mine was 80 calories per 6 slices, only used one slice per muffin)
White Vinegar
Hollandaise ingredients (enough for 4 muffins)
2oz Plain Yogurt (Albertsons Fat-Free has the fewest calories)
2oz Smartbeat non-fat mayo
About ½ teaspoon Lemon Juice
About 1 teaspoon Brummel & Brown spread (fake yogurt butter)
Step 1, Prepare the fake hollandaise sauce:
Mix all that stuff together in a small bowl (I used a custard cup)
nuke it for 30 seconds when ready to eat
BTW if you need more than an ounce of hollandaise sauce per friggen muffin then you are a fat cow! MOOOooooo! Perhaps I could interest you in my frozen butter stick popsicle recipe
Now the hard part:
Get a pan that’s about 8-10” diameter and at least 3 inches deep, fill it up about with about 2 inches of water. Put the heat on high. While it is warming, get your white vinegar and pour some of that shit in there, about a shot worth.
Now get your eggs and crack them into individual bowls, Throw out the ones you F’d up because you are hung over. The yolks need to be intact.
Now when the water gets to a simmer (small bubbles on the bottom, not rolling boil) bust our your slotted spoon and start stirring it up. Have one of your bowls of egg ready. Now the trick here is you want to get a vortex going in the water, and then carefully pour your egg into the center of it. Your egg will invariably go all over the fucking place and you will want to throw the pan against the wall or beat your wife or something of that nature, but just sit back and watch, it will all work out. After about a minute, lower the heat to the lowest setting (BTW if you have an electric stove good fucking luck!).
Anyhow, you will see the white harden a bit and after about 3-4 minutes you can pick the egg up carefully to see if its done. I like my whites solid and my yolks runny but whatever floats your boat. Remove egg from water and place on a napkin. Repeat this process for all the eggs you are making, you will notice after a few eggs, the water gets all nasty with random egg bits. You can clean that up by lightly washing the eggs under the tap right after you remove them.
Get your wife or significant other off her ass and have her toast up the English muffins while you do the eggs. Once all the eggs are done, transfer them to the English muffins, slap a layer of ham on top and cover with hollandaise sauce.
This whole process can take some time, and chances are that by the time this is all ready it will be cold as shit. Whatever you do, DO NOT NUKE them to warm them up, this will kill the runniness of your egg yolks. If you want everything to be warm, then nuke everything else just before assembly then put it all together.
Now EAT you fat pig you!
Ingredients:
Thomas's 100 calorie English Muffins
Medium Eggs (Not Large, Extra Large, Jumbo or Super-Size)
Sliced Ham (mine was 80 calories per 6 slices, only used one slice per muffin)
White Vinegar
Hollandaise ingredients (enough for 4 muffins)
2oz Plain Yogurt (Albertsons Fat-Free has the fewest calories)
2oz Smartbeat non-fat mayo
About ½ teaspoon Lemon Juice
About 1 teaspoon Brummel & Brown spread (fake yogurt butter)
Step 1, Prepare the fake hollandaise sauce:
Mix all that stuff together in a small bowl (I used a custard cup)
nuke it for 30 seconds when ready to eat
BTW if you need more than an ounce of hollandaise sauce per friggen muffin then you are a fat cow! MOOOooooo! Perhaps I could interest you in my frozen butter stick popsicle recipe
Now the hard part:
Get a pan that’s about 8-10” diameter and at least 3 inches deep, fill it up about with about 2 inches of water. Put the heat on high. While it is warming, get your white vinegar and pour some of that shit in there, about a shot worth.
Now get your eggs and crack them into individual bowls, Throw out the ones you F’d up because you are hung over. The yolks need to be intact.
Now when the water gets to a simmer (small bubbles on the bottom, not rolling boil) bust our your slotted spoon and start stirring it up. Have one of your bowls of egg ready. Now the trick here is you want to get a vortex going in the water, and then carefully pour your egg into the center of it. Your egg will invariably go all over the fucking place and you will want to throw the pan against the wall or beat your wife or something of that nature, but just sit back and watch, it will all work out. After about a minute, lower the heat to the lowest setting (BTW if you have an electric stove good fucking luck!).
Anyhow, you will see the white harden a bit and after about 3-4 minutes you can pick the egg up carefully to see if its done. I like my whites solid and my yolks runny but whatever floats your boat. Remove egg from water and place on a napkin. Repeat this process for all the eggs you are making, you will notice after a few eggs, the water gets all nasty with random egg bits. You can clean that up by lightly washing the eggs under the tap right after you remove them.
Get your wife or significant other off her ass and have her toast up the English muffins while you do the eggs. Once all the eggs are done, transfer them to the English muffins, slap a layer of ham on top and cover with hollandaise sauce.
This whole process can take some time, and chances are that by the time this is all ready it will be cold as shit. Whatever you do, DO NOT NUKE them to warm them up, this will kill the runniness of your egg yolks. If you want everything to be warm, then nuke everything else just before assembly then put it all together.
Now EAT you fat pig you!
Welcome Letter to the USA Today Management Team
Hello friends.
I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to 1995. Yes this is a momentous occasion, its hard to imagine that 1984 was over a decade ago! can you believe it? We live in this strange futuristic society now, you might even call it a brave new world. And what of this madness called the internet? I can't even imagine how it works? where are all the information tubes at anyway?
Oh but why am I telling you all this, you obviously have a handle on things, after all you have a website right? Isn't this great? I mean seriously man. Now that we have all these internets we don't need to waste all that paper that we used to print all of our news stories on. Of course those darn tree huggers are gonna like that, but even a good-ol conservative boy couldn't argue about that one right?
The best part about all this technomological stuff is all of your writers can finally start writing stories that are more than two paragraphs long. Maybe even if you're lucky all your readers will start having thoughts that are more than monosyllabic grunts! Oh gosh i'm sorry that was a doozy of word there "Mo-no-syl-la-bic" yeah, that means like, the opposite of "UGH", its kinda like the opposite of this thought "Nuke the F*ers!", what? oh just forget about it.
So yeah, now that'cha don't have to worry about all that paper, you guys can actually write a story that has more than one fact in it. maybe even if ya get good 'nuff at it, you might even think about sending out a reporter, to actually report something.
Yeah, who'd a thunk?
Ps. Oh yeah forgot to tell you 'bout something. you see that funny colored word up there in my text? yeah thats called a "Link" those internet guys use 'em all the time to do stuff on these internets, LIKE REFERANCING FACTS YOU F-ING MORONS! GET YER HEADS OUT OF YOUR A**
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
